What if restaurants charged like creative agencies? The other side…

A few months ago, information pills this video produced by Scofield Editorial, symptoms Inc. made the rounds virally among us creative industry types. It’s well done, price and it poses a compelling question: what if customers in normal retail settings – where no one ever questions the price of things – behaved the way marketing people often treat their creative vendors? If you haven’t seen it, watch it.
Then read my response from the other side of the table .

The original video:

My tribe of creatives made this a minor YouTube sensation, with 1.1 Million views and climbing. Why? Because it’s true: the work we do is often not treated with the respect it deserves, or valued as highly as it ought to be – and certainly not as highly as we think it ought to be.

Which brings us to the other side. I remember my first experiences as a client-side marketing manager dealing with a big-city, big-ticket advertising firm. And I can tell you, clients aren’t the only ones with a problem saying “the price is the price”.

My response: a script for a viral YouTube video.

(Imagine it in a YouTube frame with millions of views under it. Then imagine laughing heartily and forwarding it to all your marketing industry buddies using the link below.)

What if restaurants charged like creative agencies?

A Funny, Poignant, & Wildly Popular Viral Video

(© 2009 Dennis Van Staalduinen – contact me if you want to shoot this. But note that I call dibs on the waiter part.)

Restaurant

(Restaurant interior. Attractive professional couple is seen wrapping up their meal.  A somewhat arrogant-looking waiter is seen hovering in the background.)

(MALE DINER waves WAITER over to table.)

WAITER: (With a heavy euro accent) Yes sir. Everything is all right.

MALE DINER: Fine, fine.

WAITER: Of course it is.

MALE DINER: We’d just like to settle up.

WAITER: You will receive your bill then, yes? Wait one moment.

(WAITER LEAVES. FEMALE DINER leans toward MALE DINER, hushed voice)

FEMALE DINER: Are you going to tip him? He was obnoxious, arrogant, and he kept pushing stuff at us that was way different from what we ordered.

MALE DINER: Well yes, but we’re done now. Let’s just pay and get out of here…

FEMALE DINER: Then he through a hissy fit when I tried to send the undercooked beef back.

MALE DINER: He’s a creative soul honey, they’re sensitive…

FEMALE DINER: Oh, and then there was the “Brainstorming session” over the wine…

MALE DINER: Honey, we were looking for a creative option… Oh, shhh! He’s coming back!

(WAITER re-appears. Hands large portfolio to MALE DINER, who unzips and scans it)

MALE DINER: Oh, that’s very nice. Full colour. See that honey? Very creative presentation…

FEMALE DINER: (looking at price) Hey! $1,159! What’s going on here?!?! We only ordered $100 dollars worth of food and wine!

MALE DINER: What?(looks again) This is wrong. We asked you to help us keep our bill under $100!

WAITER: And I did. Look. Everything is itemized. Your food and wine came to $98.50 with a few dollars for tax.

MALE DINER: But we already paid you that weird $25 retainer when we walked in…

WAITER: Yes yes, standard industry practice.

MALE DINER: Then, you asked for a $50 fee when you brought our food…

WAITER: For phase 2 deliverables. Yes yes. All in the proposal I submitted, and all standard industry practice.

MALE DINER: Right, so I’ll give you $25, and… you can keep the change.

WAITER: (icily) Hup, hup, hup. Very generous sir. But. Let’s look at the invoice shall we?

(he snatches the bill and begins pointing and gesticulating)

You have forgotten about disbursements, expenses, colour photo-copying charges for menus and your bill, the standard kitchen service fees, revision fees for re-cooking your beef madame – that is not free! Then licensing fees for brainstorming music, licensing for third party ingredients in your food, professional consulting fees for the Chef and myself….

FEMALE DINER: (grabbing the bill back) And this item: “Yum Factory”. What is that?

WAITER: (changes tone to pride) Why, of course that is our proprietary kitchen management process. Presumably that’s why you came to us in the first place….

MALE DINER: No, we came because we were hungry, and because we had a bit of money left over in this month’s budget for one special meal, and we thought we’d go high end for once…

WAITER: Well, you forget that we have costs too! An expensive downtown location; exquisite interior design; silver cutlery; the owner’s new Aston Martin; our Foosball table – hmm?!?

FEMALE DINER: But we didn’t choose to spend money on those things, You did!

WAITER: Ah, but you chose US!  Perhaps next time you will consider not coming to a respected provider of high quality creative output, and instead go to some… some… street-corner taco stand!!

(pause)

MALE DINER: Say, honey. That’s not a bad idea. After those tiny portions and all that creative wanking, I’m still hungry.

FEMALE DINER: You’re right, a simple taco at a fair price sounds really good right about now.

(they leave)

WAITER: But wait… your bill!!

(gradually losing accent) Come back! We can negotiate!

We have this great Foosball table! Maybe I can let you play….

(he sits down dejected) Ah man. How am I going to pay for my accent lessons now?

(fade to black)

___________________________

That link again for forwarding:

Again, if anyone wants to make this into a viral video sensation, let me know.

Bad branding in orbit: Guy Laliberté soars while his cause brand drops

Guy Laliberté has always had his head among the stars. But all this week, information pills the French-Canadian founder of Cirque du Soleil – and #562 on the Forbes list of wealthiest people – is actually circling the earth as a paid tourist aboard the International Space Station. And true to form, he’s using the opportunity to do a bit of “over-the-top” showmanship. Unfortunately, Laliberté didn’t match his lofty ambitions with the same sophistication, taste, and branding savvy he’s usually shown on Earth. Maybe it’s the lack of oxygen…

Guy in space - 600w
In space, nobody can hear your eyes rolling: Here's Laliberté sitting in the coolest place any human could ever be, with three very lame words on his shirt.

The event: stars will align tomorrow night

Screencap with goreOn Friday, October 9th at 8:00 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) Laliberté will be hosting a Webcast from space in support of his ONE DROP Foundation.

You can find out more details about the event and performers here.

But in brief, the Webcast will pull together material from 14 cities around the world, and feature contributions from such luminaries as Al Gore, David Suzuki, and Salma Hayek, as well as performances by U2, Shakira, and, wait for it… Guy Laliberté himself performing from the International Space Station.

OD_Logo_Splash[1]

However, much to the disappointment of Cirque fans around the planet, he won’t be stiltwalking, eating fire, or even playing accordion (which, unlike terrestrial billionaires, he can actually do).

He’ll be reading poetry.

And you thought there was no gravity in space!

Before we get too critical, let it be known we think the cause he’s supporting is a great one.

This is what the event Web site says about the purpose of his mission (and we’ll ignore the clunky copy writing for the moment):

Laliberté’s mission in space is dedicated to making an impact on how water, our most precious resource, is protected and shared. And he will be applying tools he has used so well for most of his life to bring about change: arts and culture.

Information about our world’s water-related issues will be conveyed using a singular poetic approach. The messages he will transmit from the ISS will build awareness for ONE DROP Foundation initiatives, its objectives and dream of “Water for all, all for water.”

Good on you Guy, for using your media exposure for a good cause. We at Beg to Differ envy and admire your incredible  chutzpah for reaching so high in pulling all this together.

But sad to say, there’s a “leak in the capsule” on this one.

See if you can find the problem in the image below:

Guy_About_Mission_en
Hint: the problem here ain't the smiling bald guy - or maybe it is...

Houston (Montreal, Moscow, etc.), we have a problem:

One of the dumbest, most pretentious names ever.

And the event’s subtitle doesn’t help: “Moving Stars and Earth for Water”.

Sorry Guy. It’s awkward in English. It’s pointless in French. It’s self-defeating as a brand strategy. And it’s totally counter to the taste and sophistication you’ve always applied to Cirque.

And worst of all, it focuses away from the parts of your mission that are really cool and worthy of attention:

  • Clean Water for earth! The wonder of space travel! A circus guy in space!

Instead it focuses on the lame (and painfully self-indulgent) parts of the picture:

  • Poetry reading! That mushy word “social”! Our sneaking suspicion that this may have more to do with your ego than water!

So Guy, next time you go to space, call me okay?

A branding expert could help you figure this stuff out before you blow millions of dollars making it all look like one big vanity project … or maybe at least help you make it look less like one.

One easy approach I would have suggested would be to call this whole project the “ONE DROP Clean Water for Earth Mission” and focused all your energies on building that one brand.

But that’s just one way we could have approached this. So seriously Guy. Call me next time. You can reach me here.

Bonus: Guy Laliberté video-blogs from space

Hey geeks! Think everyone knows what you’re talking about? Think again.

This is a message from one geek to another. I was raised on computers as a teenager in the mid 80’s, capsule and have been on the Internet since before browser technology made it easy for everyone in the 90’s, website like this the question seems pretty straightforward: “what is a browser?” But in April, when Google staffers from the Chrome browser team asked that question of people in New York’s Times Square, they were shocked with what they found out.

Less than 8% of people interviewed knew what a browser was

It isn’t scientific at all, but it makes the point very strongly. You can hear people struggling to distinguish between a search engine, an operating system, office software, and a browser.

And the results are repeatable as you can see in this video from Rotterdam (Dutch with English commentary) – which means we also can’t dismiss the people in the Google video as just dumb Americans /  New Yorkers / etc. Dutch people are pretty smart – and Dutch Canadians even more so (editor’s note: may be some bias here).

The Googlers were trying to figure out how to get people to switch to the Google Chrome browser, but they couldn’t even start the conversation because most normal Internet-using humans don’t even know what a browser is.
To their credit, Google has now gone back to basics with a simple site called www.whatbrowser.org that breaks it  down for the average human (if they care enough to visit).

The results seem incredible to me (because I’m a geek)

As a geek, I naturally assume that because I know what a browser is, so does everyone else, right? And if they don’t, they must be uneducated, luddites, or just totally out of touch. I’m like the mechanic who assumes that everyone knows what a catalytic converter is – because we all drive cars that have them.

But it’s not true. Most people don’t know because they don’t care what the technology is called. They just want to perform their daily tasks and would prefer the technology to be as invisible as possible. 

Three problems this example highlights for branders

I coach executives and companies on sharpening their elevator pitches – 30-second verbal descriptions of their companies or products. And these are smart people too. But one of the first problems we almost always have to overcome is this:

Problem 1: We assume that our listeners know more about our subject area than they actually do.

They don’t. I think it’s because we don’t want to insult the intelligence of the listener by explaining things that seem obvious to us. So we jump straight in at the deep end, using all of the same catch phrases and jargon that we use with internal colleagues.

I catch myself doing this all the time when talking about some obscure brand strategy model, and then have to consciously take a few steps back before I lose my audience.

Problem 2: The audience doesn’t want to seem stupid, so they won’t interrupt and reveal their ignorance.

Just because they’re nodding their head doesn’t mean they get it. Find ways to figure out where they are on the learning curve and help them along it – in terms that make sense to them.

All of which leads to:

Problem 3: If your audience never gets past basic understanding, you’ll never get to the next level.

Forget about “positioning”, “marketing” and “brand awareness”. Especially forget about “sales”. If they don’t have a category for you in their brain, they’re not buying.

They probably don’t even know you exist.

Dear Intel: some more thoughts while I’ve got your attention.

Checking Google Analytics this morning, abortion Beg to Differ was shocked to see that our modest 5-month old blog had gotten more than 2, order 400 unique visitors over the last 6 days (we’re usually ecstatic to get 100 visitors on a good day). Some digging showed where most of them are going: our break up letter to the Intel brand.  And where are they coming from? Primarily Santa Clara, Portland, Dublin – all places with sizable Intel offices. Apparently, this post is getting fired around the planet from employee to employee.

So hello Intel insiders! If you’re still interested, I’ve got some more thoughts for you.

Illustrated stats - reduced
Stats for some of my "big hits" over the last two months.Intel even beats The Princess Bride!

Last week’s break up letter

Intel found a way to make us actually love this...
Intel found a way to make us actually love this...

As you saw in that first letter, Beg to Differ had a rough time with the transition Intel made from the ground-breaking simplicity of the “Intel Inside” brand to the numbing complexity of newer brand extensions like “Intel Core 2 Quad Inside”. Our approach to this was a tongue-in-cheek break-up letter. But the point was serious: with every level of complexity Intel has added over time, they have been breaking the promise that “Intel Inside” originally made to customers:

The original promise: “Don’t worry. We’ll make this simple for you.”

Subsequently, in Twitter conversations and in comments left on the site, Beg to Differ has learned that there is a long-term project underway at Intel led by the VP of the Corporate Marketing Group Deborah Conrad, to refresh the brand strategy and architecture, and to that, we say bravo! But when the new brand options emerge in a few months, we’re going to be looking at them closely to see if they meet the following criteria.

5 Ways to evaluate whether your brand architecture project is a success

1) Will customers be able to understand the logic of the whole branding system?

Will the average somewhat-intelligent human be able to look at a list of your products and quickly figure out how the system works – which ones are worth more, which ones are specialty products for niches? You are failing on that front right now.

2) Will new products be given “creative” names?

The problem with a name like “Pentium” or “Xeon” is that they are inherently meaningless.  So while one or two of these names can spice up a product line, if  you have more than a few, it creates a “Tharn Effect” How many technical consumers could tell you without looking it up what the difference is between “Celeron” and “Centrino”? I’m a nerd with 15+ years experience in branding technical products, and I can’t.

3) Will you clean up the graphics?

Great brands are built by subtraction, not by addition.  There is too much happening in that noisy little graphic for anyone to meaningfully notice, remember, or mentally index it – which is the point.

4) Will you go back to helping people make better technology decisions more easily?

Too often, the ultimate questions that drive decision making in a large corporation are driven by corporate logic (i.e. starting with the bottom line and working backward) as opposed to human logic (starting with the need and hoping for the satisfied feeling of a decision well made).

The primary “decision-making” filter that we use at Brandvelope – and the one that we preach to every  brand manager that will listen is this:

Does this decision a) help people make choices that will b) make their lives better, and c) and make them feel good about the choices? If you can say yes to this, corporate interests will also be satisfied.

5) Specifically for Intel:

All of the above can be applied to any brand, but here’s one that Beg to Differ sees as a non-negotiable success indicator for Intel:

Will “Intel” and “Inside” finally be reunited?

The “Intel Inside” logo was pure brilliance, a stamp of authenticity, a tag line, and a promise all rolled into one. All of the tinkering over the past years has diluted that powerful combination. So whatever you do with your product naming standards, graphics, etc., just bring them back together please.

Bonus:

If you are interested in some of our other “greatest hits” here are links: